Marriage 101, matters that matter
Wedding season in Pakistan, it is as beautiful as always, with festivities in full swing, a crisp chill in the air, and the vibrant hum of family reunions. The buzz of excitement over wedding outfits which will not be worn again for a long time, stunning jewellery that will soon be locked up in bank lockers, elaborate food menus, choreographed dances, and glamorous decor fills up the air. It was no different this year. Everyone was consumed by the variety of events, flower settings, protocols for welcoming the groom and his family, arrival of the Qazi sahib. But amidst all the fun and glamour, one thing remained overlooked, preparing for what a marriage truly entails. Exactly two days after one wedding in a middle-class suburb of Karachi, something unexpected happened. The bride came back to her parents’ home, refusing to return to her new life. Instead of basking in her honeymoon phase, she was upset, confused, and seeking answers. The reason? She had no idea that sexual relationships were expected in a marriage and had no inclination for engaging in this “disgusting act”. This could have been manageable had the groom been informed and agreed to her feelings before the wedding. In a culture so invested in the rituals of weddings which are a matter of cultural pride, the silence around preparation for married life is loud.
The situation soon transformed into an intervention led by in-laws on both sides, with serious discussions and straight faces focused on finding a solution. In a conversation between both families, her in-laws explained that the bride was unprepared for the conjugal side of marriage and their son being their only son, this was unacceptable. On one level, you couldn’t help but feel sorry for them, being pulled into a conversation they’d never imagined having, especially not in the week after the wedding, when they had envisioned more feasting and celebrations. It’s tempting to believe that we’ve moved past the days where couples enter marriage without addressing the conversations that really matter. Yet, here was a stark reminder of how silence, from families, education systems, or society, around topics like healthy relationships, family planning, and the foundations of a strong relationship can lead to a union failing before it even began. How is it that, after months in wedding planning, gift exchanges, and social media conversations, the bride never found the courage to discuss this with her mother, sister, friend, or even her fiancé?
After all, doesn’t everyone know how babies are made? But in a society where reproductive health education remains so heavily stigmatized, is it really a surprise? It hurts one to imagine what the bride must have gone through, fearing judgement, needing to talk about this to someone but not finding the right opportunity, or an appropriate source of information and counselling.
As someone who has worked extensively with young people, I was dazed by this story. It reminded me that my work and that of fellow practitioners is far from done. For ages, we have advocated for premarital counselling. Awareness raising is more than just relationship advice, but about setting couples up for success, its about family planning, discussing genetic predispositions that could harm future babies, finance, shared life goals and much more.
Where so much emphasis is placed on the wedding day, so little is shared on what comes after. For many, there’s a reluctance to address these conversations beforehand, stemming from cultural taboos or the common societal belief that ‘things will work themselves out.’ But the reality is, these are real commitments and being unprepared can lead to conflict and untenable differences. This is where premarital counselling becomes crucial where it’s not just advice, but a tool to equip couples with the knowledge and skills they need to succeed. Whether it’s learning how to communicate openly with a partner, seeking guidance from a qualified counsellor, or even having honest discussions with trusted friends and family, these steps lay a strong foundation for a marriage built on understanding and mutual respect.
Yet, all hope is not lost. In Pakistan, where topics like this remain largely unspoken, yet largely common, change is on the horizon. Under the Building Healthy Families project, the governments of Sindh and Khyber Pakhtunkhwa, in collaboration with family planning technical experts and partners, are developing a structured premarital counselling program. Moreover, many other countries across the world have begun to recognize the need for this kind of preparation, though the approach varies greatly. In places like Iran, for example, premarital counselling is mandatory. Before they can get married, couples attend counselling through their local councils to learn about emotional readiness, sexual health, and family planning. This isn’t just a box to tick, but a way of ensuring that people understand what they are stepping into. This proactive approach has allowed for more informed marriages and lower divorce rates.
But it’s not just about contraception or preparing for parenthood. Premarital counselling, especially in urban parts of Sub-Saharan Africa, like in Kenya, Nigeria, and South Africa, includes much more, such as communication about sexuality, healthy relationships, and building a foundation for a long-term partnership. In Kenya, where youth marriages are common, young couples are given the tools to talk openly about sex, contraception, and family planning, all of which set them up for a more stable future.
Lacking knowledge about marriage often leads to situations that are both unexpected and, at times, painfully awkward. It’s like stepping into a storm without a map, leaving couples to navigate unfamiliar terrain without the tools they need. Many couples clash over finances, with one assuming control while the other expects a partnership. Some discover differing timelines for having children, or even assumptions about quitting jobs or household roles. Even small topics, like disagreements over sharing chores or navigating cultural traditions, can spiral into bigger conflicts. Many men learn through counselling the unpaid work the women do in the house which is not monetized. These misunderstandings often snowball into frustration and disappointment, leaving both partners feeling blindsided. Most of these issues can be avoided by investing in preparation, guidance, and open conversation before the wedding day.
What I applaud about premarital counselling, especially in places like Malaysia, where Muslim couples are legally required to attend, is that it offers more than just sexual education. But rather, it’s holistic, it tackles the emotional and financial aspects of marriage, as well as practical family planning. Couples learn how to manage finances, communicate effectively, and plan for children, and hence, their health.
When we talk about women owning their choices, premarital counselling is key. It’s a space where women, who are often left out in conversations about sexuality, can learn about their bodies, reproductive health, and how to make informed decisions about when and if they want children. It’s an act of autonomy, a step toward ensuring that women don’t have to navigate these crucial parts of life without knowledge or support.
In Egypt, where high maternal mortality rates were once a norm due to a lack of family planning education, premarital counselling has helped couples understand their options and articulate their aspirations. Couples are 30% more likely to use contraception, leading to healthier pregnancies and more stable marriages. In other countries, like South Korea, mandatory premarital counselling helps alleviate the societal pressure to marry young or have large families, giving couples the space to make informed decisions.
This kind of education matters. It’s about preparing people for the future, not just marriage, but life. The reality is that family planning, communication about life goals, and understanding reproductive health are essential and social stigmatization creates unnecessary barriers.
As I reflect on the bride who returned a few days after her wedding, it’s clear to me that no one should ever enter marriage unprepared, unaware, or uninformed. Premarital counselling isn’t just a good idea, but a necessity. And in a world where we fight for women’s autonomy every single day, this is one step we cannot afford to skip. And if you are curious about the fate of the wedding, the couple has decided to take a break, the bride is in therapy, but she is very sure. Marriage and sex are not for her.